Yesterday was pregnancy/ infancy loss awareness day. While I have never experienced that, thankfully, a lot of my friends unfortunately have gone through it. I hate that so many people I love have had to experience it. My mother in law lost 3 sweet girls before finally having my husband. She tells me stories of their births often, and I can't imagine the pain she went through, losing her first daughter at full term, then twin girls halfway through her pregnancy.
While I never went through a loss, I have had 2 scares, and until seeing the heartbeat and knowing my babies were ok, the feeling of loss is horrible and there's nothing to compare.
At 10 weeks pregnant with baby sister, I started spotting, of all days, on a saturday. I called the on call doctor who put me on bed rest and told me to come in first thing on Monday. I had not experienced that with my first, so it was super scary. We went through so many emotions that weekend. Part of me felt the baby was ok, but then I kept thinking why else would I be spotting. Monday finally came, and we saw the most beautiful little heartbeat and were overfilled with joy and thankfulness for a healthy baby! We had another scare with her at 31 weeks, but thankfully they were able to stop early signs of labor. She gave us a run for our money the whole pregnancy and I vowed I'd never do it again! lol
Fast forward to last year. In October we found out our little surprise was on the way. It was scary and exciting at the same time! When we reached 10 weeks, a sense of relief overcame me. At 10 weeks with my previous pregnancy is when we had our little scare and my pregnancy from then on became super hard on me physically. So I had a mini celebration when at 10 weeks with baby #3, everything was fine. Then came 2 weeks later. It was black Friday, hubby and I were at breakfast when I felt a "gush" and ran to the bathroom. This was way more than just spotting, and it wouldn't stop. I remember sitting back down at the table, holding back tears and telling hubby, "I think I just lost our baby". We both sat there, quiet and not knowing what to say. He was so lost and didn't know what to do. I told him I needed to go home. So we left, then I called the doctor, and being that it was a holiday the office was closed. I was sent to the ER. There I sat (still bleeding nonstop). I was numb and working on preparing myself for the news. I had already played out how I'd tell our family, how we'd explain to our girls... The nurses ran a bunch of tests, they made me pay my bill (I was so angry), then finally after about 2-3 hours, they took me for the ultrasound. Up to that point I had managed to keep my emotions in check. I KNEW the baby was gone, and I was "ready" for that. When the nurse started the ultrasound, I was not prepared for what I saw. A beautiful baby, sucking his thumb with the most beautiful heartbeat. To say I was in shock is an understatement. I was 1000% sure I had lost this baby, and yet, there he was, alive! I sobbed and sobbed. I will NEVER forget that image. And I will never forget feeling lost and in agony when I thought he was gone...
Again, while I never experienced a loss, I can kind of understand. No one can fully understand unless you go through it. I'm thankful for 3 healthy pregnancies and babies.
